Reflections on my time in Mozambique, Alexander Hatch Spencer
9/30/11
I have felt even more deeply than ever that I am nothing without my dear Chelsea. I know this to be true more than I know anything. I am half the man without her. My mind is weak, my heart wanders. How I need my Chelsea. Without her I passed moments of black despair, a binding feeling, a millstone to my soul. Never Again I say with all my soul will I agree to this. NEVER AGAIN. i know she feels this too.
I have felt like a sailor at sea in the corner of a map of the world. I felt my mind loosing itself. I felt the distance between my love and me grow with each second that my watch ticked. I did not feel Gods angels because my own fault, but I know that He sent them all around me. I felt like the only white man among blacks. I was called a pirate tyrant oppressor and all I wanted was good towards all men. My actions were criticized. I cried one day trying to get a paper into CEPAGRI, a cold heart did not have 5 minutes for me. Many men took advantage of me and played me along while they smiled in my face and then came crawling back when they knew they'd burned the bridge. They held hands with satan himself. How he has a grasp around the heart of the men in power that I dealt with. Many walked all over me. I had a friend or two who came in with their leagues of armies of support to lift my soul. How the weeks were long. I lived in my cage. I missed my dear sister's wedding. My heart feels betrayed, because it was. I do not know how to forgive the cold hearts that supressed me. Furthermore I have no idea how to take the hate out that i posses in my heart towards them. I come home a failure. Despite all of the rhetoric and politics that I passed. I saw maimed boys and starving drunks. A man I hired to be on my side turned against me and became a liability instead of an asset to me. Help was far- she was on the other side of the world and what hurt me worse was that I was far from her as she was working 40 hours as a nurse and going full time to school. When I left this place I walked to a sink and I washed my hands. My hands were clean as I got on that plane that day. I am not perfect and the Lord Jesus Christ will testify of that, and only He and my Chelsea know of what I did here and I pray that one day I can stand before God and prestar contas a Ele.
I feel as if my eyes have opened a bit more during my stay in Mozambique. I have become a Christian before a Mormon. I am a believer that thru Christ I am saved as I have faith in Him and act accordingly. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus is the Christ as He said he was in the New Testament. He is the Son of God. I feel much more tolerance for other views. I feel as if my mind has been opened and I can see the truth in many aspects of life that I ma not have been able to recognize. I believe that each man has his respective pathway to heaven and they are not all the same. "We all got wood and nails, and we try and turn out hate in factories". As humans we crucify our brothers and sisters each day. If we could only see those around us the way God sees them. I have felt further from the Lord than I have in quite some time. I felt my faith waining, however I have always been the type to act like a saw going back and forth until the tree falls, therefore in that regard it wained as well.
How difficult it is for me to walk away from Mozambique, to walk away from a nation suffering from so much hunger, weak bones, bad water, discomfort disorder and theft everywhere; without actually feeling like I had set the foundation of the project that I had intended to do. I made a resolution with myself at the beginning of the summer that I would not leave this place without having success. I did not fulfill that resolve. In that regard I failed. If you ask me why I will place the blame on the village, John Mucavel and others. That being said, I can not help but feel an overwhelming feeling of failure upon my shoulders. I did not succeed, and this thought daunts me lately every day as of late.
I must understand peoples incentives and hidden incentives. for 4 months I was blind to John Mucavel's incentives. I made a costly assumption- that his goals and my goals were one in the same. If I had analyzed very thourally what his incentives were, I would have had a 1000% chance higher of not being misled as I was. I must understand people's incentives and hidden incentives. I must ask myself "What are his desires for doing this?" "Why is he so ____?" "What does he have to gain?" "Where is his profit motive?" and look at other potential incentives. I simply did not see any other incentives than the ones that I brought to the table and that was a huge mistake. How wrong this was. I also learned how humans can put on a mask of lies and live them until they die---or better stated: A charismatic smile and sweet words can tie a noose around your neck. I must always vigiar. be vigilant and always on the lookout to discern the truth from snare. Many will lay snares on my path. This man is evidence of that. I must be very careful with to whom I give my trust to. I must not give it lightly nor let suave words steal it from me-- if so I will end up with another noose around my neck and snare at my feet.
Roy Fanaroukus said to my boss Dave Hamblin "Dave, they force you to be tough, you want to be kind to them [and they rip you apart]." I feel like in my soul I wanted so badly to help many Mozambicans, but in order to do so I needed to be tough skinned. It did not feel good, and it still doesn't quite sit right with me; however, I know that if I was soft and american, I would get stepped on, even more so than I did. I had to become african. I had to become Mozambican. Be the boss that they expect from a local. In Roy's words "If you give them your finger, they'll eat your hand." If anyone ever reads this they must first understand the severe fallen state of the african culture. In order to change the system you must become part of it.
I learned much from Fernando, Roy, Dave and Ed. I learned much knowledge that can not be put on paper nor taught in a classroom. How thankful I am for all of that and I pray that I may adhere to that which I have come to know. I feel almost a deep debt. I must complete my studies. I have financial obligations that I must fulfill. Will I have the strength to graduate from college? Can i make it? Financially my goal is to provide for my family and my parents if need be. I want no Mercedes nor house on the hill, however I do want a house and the same for my parents. The rest is the Lord's. It is all His, however there is a portion of which He will give me stewardship for personal use to fulfill my family's needs, (not wants). My family needs food and shelter, and does not need dominos pizza and a summer home. I pray for guidance to know what step to take ahead of me concerning my education.
I have learned from Roy that we need to have an even head about things at all times. Decisions must always be based on fact, and never hollow emotion and predjuice. I learned from him that we must have an open heart and be willing to help those around us. I learned from him that I must be willing to listen to all, let each man have his turn speaking and hear him out for what he has to say. I learned from him how to be fair to others around.
Fernando taught me patience and hope, that if we work hard and are patient and have a hope, things will work out and really that is all we can do. I can't let overwhelming feelings weigh me down, I have hope and patience and move forward as I can allowing sweat to drip from my brow. This must be done however, realistically. I have a tendency to put my whole heart into the project at hand and it can be a very emotional thing when setbacks or disappointments come. Fernando also taught me that one must never assume anything. Assumptions are generally communication barriers and they lead to misunderstandings. I must avoid assumption.
Everyone has priceless knowledge and light that I do not have, every person has something so priceless that they could teach me.
Anger does not solve anything. Neither does frustration. Things must be done in a civilized orderly manner.
I also learned that a good personality does not make a good employee or good worker. Furthermore, I learned that I never want to be my friends boss or a family member's boss. Also, I know now that I must be ever so careful in doing business with a good friend or family member.
Money absolutely changes people. Every war there ever was was fought for money. Money especially turns Mozambicans into raging wolves; as it does to americans as well.
I completely underestimated the ignorance of the tribal leaders. They are just as corrupt as the government that governs them at every level. The african culture permits and promotes corruption.
Time and time again I am taken back, let down, and amazed at how many people in Mozambique say one thing and do another. I say this with the least level of malice towards anything in the past, but rather as a way to reflect upon events that happened in the past and learn from them. Their culture permits them to promise and not fulfill their promises. For example I can not count the times I had been promised by "X" day thing"Y" would be done and when day "X" comes John Doe hadn't even started doing thing "Y" and in reality he never had the intentions to do so. Fernando Mussane told me that one special thing that he learned from me is that "[quando vocês dizem que é para fazer, fazem mesmo. Aqui, só falamos palavras e não fazemos. É um grande problem de noosa culture.]. And he is absolutely right.
It can not be emphasized enough how grand and massive, obtuse, great big huge is the barrier called CULTure. This is one thing that I can not communicate its impact.
Signed Alexander Hatch Spencer
